Disclaimer for mom: If you start worrying before you get to the end, dont. I dont really think Im going through hell.
I have felt like Ive been struggling a little lately. When I first got to Germany and the first few months I was here I felt a surge in my faith and God's presence very close. It was not an easy time, necessarily, coming to a new country, trying to learn the language, trying to make new relationships, living, working, eating, shopping, and living (not a typo) with five girls from different countries and languages, trying to understand girls, and most importantly doing all this while staying plenty busy with our work with the youth and kids, trying to stay in tune with God and do my best to show them love and not get in the way of Gods work and hoping hed speak through me. Despite all of that, I could really feel God working through my struggles and knew that this is where He wanted me to be so that I would rely on Him and grow. I believe the peace and closeness of God I felt was due to a mixture of reasons. Being here I had to mostly focus just on the work here and I actually used up most of my energy trying to interpret and communicate so I didnt have much time to worry about a lot. I also have more time to read my Bible and just spend with God in prayer. I knew that the only way I was/am going to make it here is with God's strength and help. I knew that I just had to stay focused on Him and that Id get homesick and miserable here if I thought too much about back home or how much longer I had in the future here. It didnt always work. There were still times that I didnt feel like being here and wished more than anything I could be back home with my family and friends. This is a bit of an interruption, because just writing this I am remembering and can see how God answered many of my prayers from just a month or two or three ago. Its def encouragement. I also just thought about how God is strongest when we are weakest, and how he leads us into situations where we have to rely on Him. I guess that kind of gets back to what I was gonna say.
Lately I have been struggling a bit. I went home for Christmas a few weeks ago and came back on New Years Day. It was a great time seeing my friends and family for a bit, but it was also pretty busy. There was also a tiny bit of what I guess you would call reverse culture shock, I was just getting used to everything there and then it was time to fly back here. I havent been sleeping very well at all since Ive been back. I think its a mixture of jet lag, not really having a ton of work here just yet, and my thoughts. Over the Christmas break I got some news that has been tough for me. It may have been the answer to a prayer, but not the one that I really expected or wanted. It was a bit shocking and made me sad. It has brought up a ton of memories as well as fear or anxiety for the future. The memories and the fears are mostly what have helped to keep me up at night or awake way too early in the morning. The memories have been both good and bad, happiest times and some painful ones as well. I think I could fill a series of books rivaling Harry Potters' with all the details. I wish I had a memory this good for all the other things Ive learned in school and then couldnt remember as I failed yet another sporcle test. I was also reading a book about heaven and had read something before talking about hell. Both were what theyd be like. I was thinking about all of these things together and started thinking that hell must be where you remember everything from your time on Earth. It must be just a place full of memories and fear. You can never forget the painful things that happened to you. Even worst you are never able to forget all of the painful things that you did or even others did to people you most love and care about. Mixed in with all those memories is fear. Fear of who you are and fear of how are your loved ones. I think thats probably how your punishment starts, or at least a portion of it. Of course thats just the beginning and after that comes all the emotions like hate, jealousy, shame, and basically all of the fruits that are not of the Spirit. And then I started thinking about Heaven. I started thinking I sure hope God erases our memories when we get there. I dont know how it works, but I cant imagine an eternity of time to sit around, even in a happy place, and have to remember the pain of those you loved. I was thinking at the very least maybe thats one of the payoffs of following God, you at least shouldnt have quite as many memories as someone that never did. But still, even a few are enough to make you pretty down. And then I started reading another book, where the author compared God to a parent that was able to comfort their child during a thunderstorm. The parent doesnt make the rain or thunder stop, but something in the kid believes their parent will protect them and finds comfort enough to go back to sleep. And I realized, I dont think that were gonna go through a mind erasing machine when we get to Heaven, but I think that God's love will be so overwhelming that we can't tear ourselves away long enough to even bother trying to remember something else. I also realized that God's love is here with us now, and that He is always beside me, I just have to tear myself away from my memories and fears and look full in his beautiful face and hope and love. But not just with me, He is with everyone, all of my loved ones, and He takes care of them as much as He does me. I just have to trust in Him and pray.
